Well, bless my tartan socks. It appears our subject of obsession today is young Findlay Curtis, born in the motherland on the first day of October, 2006. Now well into his eighteenth year, Curtis ambitiously attempts to play football, occupying the forward position predominantly on the left wing for a team that shall not be named.
Curtis, or our vertically inclined 'left winger', flaunts a height of roughly 5 foot 10 (1.8 metres for those who prefer a splash of European flair) – a modest stature, one might say. As for his body mass, he tips the scales at an utterly unremarkable 10 stones and 5 pounds (66 kilograms, if you're pencilling this in on the continent).
Ever eager to stand out from the crowd, Mr Curtis emblazons the number 52 across his jersey. A rather odd choice, if I say so myself, but to each their own.
His contract, bless his heart, clings onto existence with a mere three months of life left in it, set on a one-way trip to expirationville on the 31st of May, 2025.
Over the course of the 2024-2025 season, Curtis graced the Premiership with a staggering tally of one outing, in the capacity of a substitute, naturally. A performance so thrilling, it had spectators recalling the prowess of memories like the time they watched paint dry.
To top this riveting performance, he also decorated the benches of the Scottish Cup 2024-2025, not to mention the Europa League during the same year both for the 'unmentionable team', again gracing the pitch in his most familiar role: a substitute. One could only imagine the exhilaration felt, the anticipation, as he tasted those fleeting minutes of play.
